


This Guy Makes Sausages

by ClockworkCourier



Category: The Terror (TV 2018)
Genre: Affronts to God, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Cooking, Based on Ordinary Sausage, Beechey Boys make do, Crack Treated Seriously, Developing Relationship, F/M, Humor, M/M, Other, Sausages, Screenplay/Script Format, YouTube
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25740433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClockworkCourier/pseuds/ClockworkCourier
Summary: John Hartnell makes sausages out of stuff that does not normally go into sausages.Other stuff happens, too. But that's not important. This guy is making sausages.
Relationships: Captain Francis Crozier/Commander James Fitzjames, Harry D. S. Goodsir/Lady Silence | Silna, Lt Graham Gore/John Hartnell, Sarah Hartnell/Henry T. D. Le Vesconte, Thomas Hartnell/Lt John Irving, Thomas Jopson/Lt Edward Little
Comments: 37
Kudos: 40





	1. Ploughman's Lunch Sausage

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Quacks: Old Medicine for the Modern Age](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20945513) by [drowninglovers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/drowninglovers/pseuds/drowninglovers). 



> no apologies in sight. only us. only sausages. we are holding hands. 
> 
> occurs in the same universe as the sawbones AU (please, PLEASE read it, i beg).
> 
> dedicated to my beloved discord friends who recommended things and enabled me to do the devil's work. i love you guys.

**JOHN, offscreen** : Hey there! Welcome to the, uh… show? Segment? I dunno. Showgment? That sounds really terrible. Let me try this again.  
  
[ _CENSORSHIP BEEP; flash cut to a delightfully messy kitchen complete with a charming frog-shaped mug on the countertop; John is offscreen but flashes a thumbs up in front of the camera_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Hi! Welcome to this show thing that I’m making because [ _camera pans to John’s right leg, currently in a sky blue cast covered in signatures and obscene drawings including a tasteful sunglasses-clad penis_ ] I’m on more painkillers than I know what to do with! And my mom just found the sausage-making extensions for her KitchenAid mixer!  
  
[ _TRIUMPHANT HORNS!; camera pans up to a lovely green KitchenAid mixer; the words_ ‘*this show is not sponsored or otherwise endorsed by KitchenAid’ _flash briefly on the bottom of the screen_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Obviously, it’s a match made in heaven. I’ve never made a YouTube video in my life, so this is either gonna be great or an absolute disaster. Hoo boy. Okay, making it happen.  
  
[ _theme tune: a jaunty sea shanty instrumental; title card, impact font:_ THIS GUY MAKES SAUSAGES – Episode 1: Leftover Ploughman’s Lunch]  
  
[ _cut to the kitchen counter and mixer which is now mounted with the sausage grinder attachment; on the stovetop is a cutting board sporting a slightly smushed ploughman’s lunch sandwich, an onion peeking out from under a slice of alarmingly damp wheat bread_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Unfortunately, my doctor said I’m not safe to drive for a few more weeks and no one in my family loves me enough to take me to Tesco Express, so we’re going to work with leftovers.  
  
[ _John lifts up a corner of the sandwich, revealing its innards_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** This is a pretty standard ploughman’s lunch sandwich from Sainsbury’s—cheddar cheese, some kind of pickled onion thingy, and sauce? I think? I don’t know what the hell this is. [ _he prods the soaked bread; it makes a soft squelching noise_ ] Nice. More importantly, this sandwich has been in the fridge for like two weeks, so I can’t speak for food safety in my fine dining establishment.  
  
[ _he lovingly pats the top of the sandwich_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** But there is nothing this sandwich can do to me that I haven’t done to myself, so here we go!  
  
[ _jump cut to John turning on the mixer, then scrunching up the sandwich between his hands; he flings the damp sandwich ball roughly in the direction of the mixer, misses it entirely, and makes a noise of dismay when it sticks to the wall with a wet ‘thwack’; cut again to reforming the sandwich ball and shoving it into the grinder_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** I think this is gonna be a success.  
  
[ _he prods the sandwich down the hole with his bare fingers_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** You know, I get the feeling this isn’t sausage-making procedure, but I’m avant-garde. The driven young sausage maker here to bring a reformation to a tired industry. And I’m on enough medication that I wouldn’t notice if I lost my hand in this thing.  
  
[ _brown mush emerges from the grinder in an eldritch fashion, plopping onto a paper plate_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** I remember reading an article about a cocktail that uses a mummy toe? Maybe that can be a whole deal here. Like millionaires pay to eat my hand sausage.  
  
[ _pause; more ploughman’s nightmare splats onto the plate_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** We’re gonna ignore how wrong that sounded.  
  
[ _jump cut to the finished ground beef-ish mass on the plate; John picks it up and rubs it between his fingers before dropping it_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** So far, it kinda has a weird texture like a… like a wet paper towel. Or maybe meatloaf pre-loaf.  
  
[ _cut to a time lapse of John replacing the grinder with the sausage stuffer extension, dropping several pieces and sending one under the stove; cuts again to the attachment in place; John then flings a bag of sausage casings onto the stovetop—the label reads BIGG HOGG_ _® CASINGS above a badly-drawn cartoon pig in a cowboy hat, leather vest, and a handlebar moustache_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** I actually have no idea where we got the casings from, or how long they’ve been in the pantry. And I’m not going to look at the expiration date. We only go whole-arse on this programme. Half-arse is for… arse… suckers. Fu[ _BLEEP_ ]  
  
[ _cut to John awkwardly putting sausage casing on the stuffer_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** This feels twenty kinds of wrong, I won’t lie. I apologise to any children in the audience. Clearly this is what your mother and father did not do.  
  
 _[John then begins to stuff the ploughman mess into the casing, filling it in a disturbing way not unlike some unsavoury function most often seen in a barnyard; the colouring of the ‘meat’ doesn’t help_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Wow. I— This is just—  
  
[ _he pushes the casing along and gives an audible shudder_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, you know? We all have.  
  
[ _John inexpertly twists the sausage off two form two links of differing sizes; cut to the links on the cutting board_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Well, you know what? Despite the inherent visual discomfort of the process, I think we did pretty well! The colouration is… bad, but it does _look_ sausage-ish! I mean, not anything I’d want served to me at the local, but hey!  
  
[ _cut to a non-stick frying pan and a bottle of vegetable oil; John pours a capful into the pan and swirls it around a few times_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Not to alarm any viewers or people who care about me, but my history with cooking oil isn’t great. There _is_ a reason I lost my job at the seafood restaurant after only a month.  
  
[ _close-up of the oil sizzling in the pan; John performs a dubious tactic of flinging the sausage into the pan_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Avant-garde manoeuvre! Those uppity bastards at the social club _wish_ they had what I have!  
  
[ _the sausage successfully sears on one side; however, after John flips it with a spatula, the right link splits and issues forth a hellish half-cooked ploughman’s polyp_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** WUH-OH. We have spillage! This is a— Oh, this is a top tier environmental disaster.  
  
[ _the escaped mass seems to curl in on itself as if in shame; it is quickly banished to the other side of the pan while the remaining survivor sausage link quietly sizzles; cut to the two sausages on the cutting board alongside a hot dog bun_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Okay, so we have a disqualified applicant and a success story here. [ _he points to the intact sausage_ ] I expect big things out of this little guy. I mean, the good thing is that you can see the interior of the sausage, which isn’t aesthetically pleasing. Once in a while, you do get things that look worse going in than they do coming out.  
  
[ _John puts the sausage into the bun_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Alrighty. Let’s give this one a whirl.  
  
[ _he picks it up and it goes off-camera, followed by the slight mouthy crunch of teeth going through stiffened sausage casing; there is a moment of crunching followed by a dissatisfied hum before the sausage is placed back down on the cutting board, a large bite taken off one end_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** You know, this one really failed to thrill me. You definitely get the flavour of the pickled onion, which isn’t fab but isn’t the worst. The cheese only comes through a _little_. Actually, I think the bread diminished the flavour—like eating hot onion-y wallpaper paste. I’d give it a solid one out of five.  
  
[ _cut to a still frame of the obliterated sausage mid-transformation in the pan, followed by one cartoon hot dog in sunglasses, and four empty buns, giving it a 1/5 ranking_ ]  
  
[ _jump cut to an outtake of John limping to a chaotically-furnished sitting room where a young man sits on the couch, apparently texting someone; John holds out a plate with the burst sausage disaster mashed into a bun_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Tom! I made you a thing!  
  
[ _Tom turns and immediately makes a face of pure disgust_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** What the f[ _BLEEP_ ] is _that?_  
  
[ _John cackles; episode ends_ ]


	2. Veal Cutlet Tomato Sausage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to jolly_utter for the suggestion of 'something ungodly from a tin'. we can do ungodly. we can do ungodly very well.

[ _camera focused on stove, a covered pot on the left rear burner_ ] **  
  
JOHN:** Welcome back, everybody. Sorry for the delay in posting today’s video. Actually, I _do_ have a few excuses. First was back-to-back doctor’s appointments, including figuring the date I can get my cast taken off, which is— [ _bold yellow font appears on the screen with a ‘splat!’ sound effect, reading: THREE WEEKS!!!_] –YES! Three weeks from today, I’ll be freed from my burden! I’m also happy to report that my doctor wasn’t all concerned that I was making sausage videos and, in fact, told me that she was happy I found a safe hobby.  
  
[ _cut to a monochrome slow-motion flashback to the last episode with John shoving his fingers into the hole at the top of the grinder; quick cut back to the stove_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Very safe! Doctor-approved! The other thing was that my younger sister had a _two-day sleepover_ over the weekend, and trying to record a video in this kitchen with seven teenagers in the house, plus my family was just not happening. So! Better late than never! [ _John points to the simmering pot_ ] Okay, first things first, I _still_ did not go to Tesco like I wanted to, so this update is another back-of-the-pantry special.  
  
[ _camera pans to an opened can of soup; the can has a bright red label and stark black lettering reading GOLDNER’S_ _and small print below reading VEAL CUTLET TOMATO_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** You know, this is kind of like finding clam juice or whatever in your pantry and having _no_ clue who the hell in your house eats clam juice. Veal cutlet tomato sounds sort of fancy? I guess? I have no idea, like, I think canned ravioli is haute cuisine.  
  
[ _pause_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** …Actually, that gives me a really good idea. For later, anyway. So, yeah! [ _slow, exaggerated voice_ ] Veal. Cutlet. Toh-maaah-tooooh. Let’s make it happen!  
  
[ _theme music; title card, impact font:_ THIS GUY MAKES SAUSAGES – EPISODE 2: VEAL CUTLET TOMATO]  
  
 **JOHN:** Now that I think about it, I don’t even know if Goldner’s is still in business, and once again, I didn’t check the expiration date. Judging by the style of the label—[ _John picks up the can and turns it to its back label; the nutrition facts layout does look a bit dated_ ]—this is probably from back when lead paint was in production. Great! This might become a medical experiment.  
  
[ _cut to John taking the lid off the pot, exposing a bubbling vat of… something; it’s definitely red in colour with unidentifiable chunks floating near the surface; John gives it a quick stir and lifts up some of the more solid pieces_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** The immediate smell I get isn’t bad. Like it doesn’t smell totally off? It just smells like a jar of pasta sauce. The only thing I think I’m worried about is the texture once it goes through the grinder.  
  
[ _he gives it another stir; the camera slowly zooms in on a brownish-greyish piece of maybe-meat shivering on the lip of the spoon; John continues to talk throughout the zoom_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** And, _yes_ , I did read the comments about expired food, which is why I’m cooking this rather than throwing it into the grinder right out of the can. Food safety is important!  
  
[ _editing effects: the image begins to shake a la an earthquake as the image of the trembling meat cube becomes grainy like a found footage horror movie_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Nothing but the best here on this show.  
  
[ _jump cut to John assembling the grinder on the KitchenAid mixer_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** [ _mid-song_ ] ~ _EARL-IE IN THE MOOORNING! Send his ex a ‘u up?’ message! Send his ex a ‘u up?’ message! Send his EX a ‘U UP?’ message! Earl-IE IN THE MOOOOR—_  
  
[ _cut to the mixer in sausage-making ready position and a measuring cup below it_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Call it clairvoyance, but I think this one might be a tad messy.   
  
[ _John turns the grinder on by poking the switch with a butter knife_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** We’re going to start with a low setting to begin with, so we don’t re-enact the day I got fired from Starbucks. Then, I’m going to sloooowly pour it into the grinder.  
  
[ _he pours another large measuring cup full of steaming veal cutlet tomato slush into the grinder, where it goes through the contraption with a sound best described as ‘SHLORPRPGURHGHHBLLEEE’ as it’s sucked through; almost immediately, the mostly liquid mixture splatters into the measuring cup and up the sides of the mixer, and onto the camera lens_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Oh, _yes_. Yes, _this_ is quality. Really immersive.  
  
[ _bits of grey meat do grind up to sausage-ish consistency and fall into the red puddle with little ‘plop!’ sounds; cut to a half-full measuring cup sitting amidst a crime scene of soup spatters_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** This is a little more than half of what we started with from the can, seeing as how… uh… [ _he turns the camera to show more soup spray on the adjoining wall, clashing wonderfully against the teal paint_ ] Yeah. The other half is scattered around my kitchen. But! We can make sausage with this! We just have to _believe_.  
  
 _[cut to John assembling the stuffer fixture on the mixer, again while singing_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** _Do you beLIEVE_ _in LIFE after LOOOVE? I can FEEEEL someTHIIIIING inSIIIIDE me SAYIN’—I REALLY DON’T THINK YOU’RE STRONG ENOUGH NOOOO!_ [ _cut to the fully-assembled mixer_ ] God I love Cher.  
  
[ _brief second-length flash of words on the bottom, reading:_ ‘*NOT ENDORSED BY CHER. I WISH THO.’]  
  
 **JOHN:** Okay, we’ve got all this assembled, which means it’s time to do this thing. Or… Huh, I probably should come up with some kind of catch phrase for this. Like ‘sausage time!’ or whatever. Until I come up with something incredible, today’s kick-off phrase is… Hmm…  
  
 **BETSY:** [ _distantly_ ] F[ _BLEEP_ ] IT UP!  
  
 **JOHN:** That’s not family-friendly!  
  
[ _John then puts BIGG HOGG_ _® casing on the end of the attachment, once again awkwardly shimmying it on_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** To be fair, nothing about this is family-friendly.  
  
[ _he turns the mixer back on and immediately, the Goldner’s expired soup disaster pours into the casing at an astounding rate_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Sweet Jesus. Would it be fair to put a thickener in it, like corn starch? Is that cheating? [ _the sausage casing continues to fill up with the disturbingly red filler_ ] This is definitely something I would feed to my friends and family.  
  
[ _cut to John carefully twisting the sausage into short links; then, he puts oil in the pan and waits for it to sizzle_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Call me cautious, but I’m kind of worried about bursting here. I mean, this kitchen has already been through something traumatic, but molten-hot explosive soup coming out of an intestine prison is just… Hm.  
  
 **TOM:** [ _in the background; absolutely appalled_ ] _What?_  
  
 **JOHN:** [ _choking laughter noises_ ]  
  
[ _cut to John using a toothpick to poke holes into the sausage; there’s a moment of slight alarm when one hole begins oozing_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Oh. That’s not great.  
  
 **TOM:** [ _off camera_ ] What are you even doing?  
  
 **JOHN:** Culinary artwork in the spirit of Damien Hirst.  
  
 **TOM:** Oh no.  
  
[ _flash cut to the sausages sizzling in the pan; so far, nothing has exploded, although John keeps gently prodding at the sausage with a pair of tongs_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Hands of a surgeon, I tell you.  
  
 **TOM:** I’m so worried about everything I’m seeing right now.  
  
 **JOHN:** [ _faux aggravated sigh_ ] Beloved viewers, this is my brother, host of a YouTube channel of much lesser quality. Also my main critic.  
  
 **TOM:** [ _his hand comes into view briefly to wave_ ] Hi.  
  
[ _one of the sausages splits, sending forth a deluge of dark red terror interspersed with grey matter to bubble in the pan like heinous lava_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** [ _noise that’s a hybrid between ‘ew!’, ‘ugh!’, and something unintelligible and horrified_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** It’s always the good that die young.  
  
[ _jump cut to the remaining sausage links on a plate beside a pair of hot dog buns; the sausages have turned a disturbing crimson colour; in the background, slightly out of focus, is the burst sausage on a plate labelled with a Post-it note reading ‘BANISHED FOR EXPLOSION CRIMES_ ’]  
  
 **JOHN:** Brother mine, would you like to go on a gastronomical adventure with me?  
  
 **TOM:** I would not.  
  
 **JOHN:** [ _sigh_ ] You guest star on my show without invitation and now you won’t even eat the expired soup sausage with me. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.  
  
 **TOM:** The _what_ sausage?  
  
 **JOHN:** [ _outright ignoring him_ ] I have a feeling this one won’t be lacking in ‘wow’ factor like the ploughman’s sandwich. So, let’s— [ _he picks up one of the sausages and puts it in the bun_ ] Ow.  
  
 **TOM:** Are you really gonna—  
  
 **JOHN:** Listen, Iron Chef. I take risks for the pleasure of my audience.  
  
 **TOM:** [ _slightly distressed sounds_ ]  
  
[ _John picks up the bun and sausage and takes a bite off camera, immediately leading him making sounds suggesting that it was really, really hot; he puts the sausage back down on the plate where the contents slowly ooze out and stain the bun_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** That was… not pleasant.  
  
 **TOM:** [ _sounds of greater distress_ ] Why would you—  
  
 **JOHN:** Really… Ugh. Like, soup in a sausage isn’t a great idea, okay. Maybe if we used a thickener, it would be better, but Goldner’s— [ _clearing throat_ ] I need a glass of water.  
  
[ _cut to the counter with the plate and sausages, now with a half-drained glass of water beside it_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** I can still _taste it._  
  
 **TOM:** It was expired! It was— [ _distant rustling noises, mumbling_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** It left a film at the top of my mouth.  
  
 **TOM:** [ _at the peak of distress_ ] This expired _five years ago!_  
  
 **JOHN:** I flew too close to the sun today.  
  
[ _jump cut; the glass of water’s been refilled_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Three glasses of water later, and I’m giving this one a solid 0/5. This sausage was like a gift that kept on giving, but in like a _Nightmare Before Christmas_ sense of giving.  
  
[ _switches to a background image: zoomed-in shot of the expiration date on the bottom of the Goldner’s can, followed by five crying sausages appearing on screen and a giant 0/5_ ]  
  
[ _outtake: camera focused on the soup-spattered mixer while a conversation goes on in the background_ ]  
  
 **BETSY:** What about, “Get a load of this sausage!”?  
  
 **JOHN:** I _cannot_ —  
  
 **BETSY:** That’s coward talk. [ _pause_ ] “Sosig.”  
  
 **JOHN:** What?  
  
 **BETSY:** Like S-O-S-I-G.  
  
 **JOHN:** Wha—  
  
[ _episode ends_ ]

🌭🌭🌭

**thackerayminx** _1 day ago  
  
_ There’s something so unhinged about this man and his content and I am HERE for it.  
  
  
 **theiceandbones** _1 day ago  
  
_ Banana split sausage P L E A S E  
  
  
 **Jonna Yusuf** _1 day ago_  
  
is anyone else like super worried that this guy isn’t going to survive past 5 episodes? just me? ok.  
  
  
 **guitaroo2013** _1 day ago_  
  
All of time, space, and history and this is what humankind has accomplished.  
  
  
 **E.C.** _2 days ago_  
  
lmao dirt sausage next pls  
  
  
 **theamazinghodge** _2 days ago_  
  
Fun fact! Goldner’s Foods Inc. was sued in 2015 after testing found presence of trace metals in some of their products! They went out of business in 2016.  
  
  
 **bulltozer** _2 days ago_  
  
@theamazinghodge Oh fuckign RIP thisguymakessausages


	3. Meringue Biscuits / Breakfast Sausage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two fic updates in a day! i am someone! and it's a double-feature!
> 
> sausage recs:  
> Viola: "I vote for pancakes, maple syrup and bacon in the next sausage by the way. Turning a really nice breakfast into a lump of faecal horror might be blasphemy but it's also definitely science."  
> showmethebeefy: "My suggestion is either eggs and bacon, or some sort of horrible lunchmeat and cheese crackers monstrosity."
> 
> I HAVE COMBINED THEM.
> 
> also shoutout to kit's in-fic twitter formatting, and kit's general everything-ness. go read quacks. do it do it do it! and i used my favorite meringue cookie recipe for this!

[ _[theme song music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bs5QGN-zhwM) over video clips of different baked goods on trays and beautiful plates, all in a warm filter tone; ends on the title card reading _SWEET TART BAKING _in a clean cursive font in pale blue colouring; screen switches to Tom Hartnell standing in front of a kitchen island in a warm-toned kitchen with soft lighting; he’s dressed in a dark blue button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled to the elbows_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** Hey, thanks for joining me today on Sweet Tart Baking! I’ve gotten a lot of good requests over the past week, as well as some fantastic reviews on the Linzer torte from the holiday episode. And like I promised, I’ll post a gluten-free recipe for the torte on my blog. Today, we’re going to be working on a recipe that’s incredibly simple as well as being a guaranteed showstopper—meringue biscuits!  
  
[ _cut to a slow montage of egg whites being mixed in glass bowls and towering plates of multicoloured meringues_ ]  
  
 **TOM, v.o.:** Meringue biscuits are traditionally associated with French baking, although it’s more likely they have their roots in Polish or Swiss cuisine. The main ingredients used are pretty much the same regardless of region: egg whites, sugar, and an acidic ingredient like cream of tartar or lemon juice. You can also add different flavourings and toppings for variety!  
  
[ _cut to Tom in the kitchen, holding a carton of eggs; he smiles very charmingly_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** We’re going to be making our meringues in the French style. This just involves four egg whites, about two-hundred grams of sugar, a little bit of salt, a teaspoon of vanilla extract, and half a teaspoon of cream of tartar. If you watched my episode on cooking with a bain-marie, you might remember me talking about making meringues using a double bath. That’s absolutely an option if—[ _he smiles; at least twenty hearts are won over_ ]—you really want to get fancy. Today, we’re just going to keep it simple. We’ve started by lining two cookie sheets with parchment paper and heating our oven to 105 C, or 225 Fahrenheit for our American friends. It’s _really_ important to cook these biscuits at a low heat.  
  
[ _overhead shot of Tom opening the egg carton, and of course, the eggs are farm fresh; he skilfully cracks an egg and uses half the shell to separate the yolk and the white, allowing the white to fall into a glass bowl before dropping the yolk into a small bowl beside him_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** Four eggs ought to do it. You’ll be surprised how much meringue this will end up making! [ _he laughs_ ] My first time baking these, I really underestimated the amount and thought I should double the recipe. That was literally a huge mistake! [ _he finishes separating the eggs and gestures to the bowl of yolks_ ] If you’re like me and don’t want to waste good yolks, I always end up using these for an omelette!  
  
[ _he gives the egg whites a quick whisk before putting in half a teaspoon of cream of tartar_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** Our old friend, cream of tartar! You know how big of a fan I am of it! [ _he laughs again; a baby angel gets their wings_ ] Again, give it a quick whisk before adding just a dash of salt. And— [ _dash!_ ] Voila! Now we’ll take this over to the stand mixer. You absolutely can hand-whisk this if you’d like. It’s wonderful wrist exercise!  
  
[ _soft music plays as Tom transfers the bowl over to a familiar KitchenAid mixer; he secures the whisk attachment as the music fades_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** Start by whisking on low, just enough until you see it start to foam a bit. [ _he turns on the mixer as a top-down view shows the egg white mix begin to froth_ ] Then, increase the speed. This is where we’ll add our sugar. [ _he steps away and gets the sugar, as well as a spoon; he begins to add the sugar spoonful by spoonful_ ] It’s also very important not to add the sugar all at once. The goal here is to have an airy, glossy foam without any grittiness!  
  
[ _he adds the rest of the sugar bit by bit as music plays; as he does so, the mix begins to foam up like the most delicious shiny cloud; cut to Tom standing beside the mixer and turning it off with the touch of an artist; he smiles at the camera in a way that suggests everyone watching is an old friend, while he dips his finger into the bowl and takes a quick lick of the heaven-sent sugar fluff; someone out there swoons_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** No shame in taking a quick taste test, of course! You can also make sure that the sugar is completely dissolved. Just rub a bit between your fingers to check for any granulation. If you need to, mix it for a little while longer. [ _he takes the bowl back to the kitchen island_ ] Like I said, you can add any number of flavours to your meringue. I’m quite partial to vanilla since it’s so easy to add toppings without overpowering the delicate flavour.  
  
[ _he whisks in the vanilla before arranging a piping bag with a star-shaped metal tip_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** You really can do anything with meringue. This can also be used in a pavlova, or for a floating island. I believe one of my viewers asked if I could do a special on British patisserie, and there are plenty of opportunities to use meringue! [ _Tom uses a rubber spatula to deftly scoop some of the meringue into the piping bag, like some divine creature making clouds_ ] I’m also very fond of using seasonal fruit with meringue! Plenty of options!  
  
[ _music plays as Tom pipes several uniform, exquisitely-formed meringue biscuits onto the cookie sheet; he fills both sheets before setting the piping bag aside and putting both sheets into the oven; cut to Tom smiling warmly at the camera_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** We’re going to leave these in for about an hour. Now, for a little personal touch I love to use when impressing company is to make candied flowers to top the meringues. I’ve posted a recipe for candied wild violets on my blog, and I might make a video on using flowers in cooking and baking. Let me know in the comments if that’s something you would be interested in seeing! And don’t forget to like and subscribe if you enjoy what I do. I certainly appreciate it!  
  
[ _more soft music plays; cut to a time lapse of the meringue biscuits baking with a glorious shine atop their little spires of delight; then, when an hour has passed, Tom turns off the oven but does not open the door_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** Very important as well. Leave the biscuits in the oven as it cools down, so about an hour or two. They should be perfectly firm when you take them out. If you’ve accidentally browned them a bit, not to worry! They’ll be delicious all the same!  
  
[ _cut again to Tom opening the oven again, taking out two sheets of perfect meringue biscuits fit for an over-saturated baking magazine_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** Ah, lovely! As you can see, they’re quite crisp. [ _he experimentally taps one_ ] They should have a nice crunch when you bite into one. I’d serve these for tea or arrange them for a dessert for any party. Really simple! Just store them in an airtight container and they should keep beautifully. [ _Tom then puts some of the biscuits into a little paper box before tying them with a blue and silver bow; he smiles, as though sharing a wonderful secret with his audience_ ] As for these, they’re going to someone very special. Hopefully, they’ll enjoy them as much as I’ve enjoyed baking them with all of you! If you make them, please feel free to send pictures along! I always love to see what you come up with. And of course, you’re always welcome to suggest content for future episodes! [ _he picks up the box and smiles; he’s so charming that it physically_ hurts] Now, I’ve got a delivery to make. See you next time!

🍰 🍰 🍰

 **jackalinhydepark** _6 hours ago  
  
_ Oh to be the person worthy of this man’s meringue delivery.  
  
  
 **ShiverOnSaturday** _13 hours ago  
  
_ hfjshfkh !!! GOD he’s so CUTE  
  
  
 **Thomas Jopson** _14 hours ago  
  
_ Fantastic recipe, as always! I’m keen to try to use coffee as a flavouring. And I’d be very interested in an episode about cooking with flowers!  
  
  
 **TheCTheCTheOpenC** _1 day ago  
  
_ Oh HELL yeah I’m gonna make these 😎 😎 😎 Move tf OVER Paul Hollywood!!!!! 🥧  
  
  
 **secondfloorgenerator** _1 day ago  
  
_ First: Amazing.  
  
Second: Who’s he delivering to tho 👀

🌭 🌭 🌭

[ _camera zooms in on a familiar carton of farm fresh eggs; atop it is a single egg with a smiley face drawn onto the shell; behind it is another egg with a less well-drawn smiley face and some attempt at a beard_ ]  
  
 **EGG 1, in a voice much like JOHN’s:** Father, I can do it! I can fly up to the sun on my wings of wax!  
  
 **EGG 2:** No, my boy! You mustn’t! If you fly too high, your wings will melt in the oppressive heat of Apollo’s might!  
  
 **EGG 1:** Nay, father! It will be fine! Wheee!  
  
[ _the smiley egg immediately falls off the carton; jump cut to an egg smashed in a frying pan, already starting to sizzle before a bandage-covered hand reaches in to pick egg shells out_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** And that was the mythical story of Eggcarus, who flew too close to the burner. Which also means it’s! Time! For!  
  
[ _theme music; title card, impact font:_ THIS GUY MAKES SAUSAGES – EPISODE 3: BREAKFAST]  
  
[ _cut to the counter with the KitchenAid mixer and a cutting board covered in eggs, sliced bread, a pack of bacon, a single frozen waffle, a bottle of imported Canadian maple syrup, a can of baked beans, and a cup of tea_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Okay, I know what you’re thinking. _Yes_ , there is such thing as breakfast sausage. But this is an all-inclusive breakfast. This is like— _continental_ breakfast sausage. Or like a near full English breakfast except I’m disappointing my grandmother somehow. In the spirit of innovation, it’s an entire breakfast eaten in the time it would take to pour a bowl of cereal. It’s _genius,_ is what it is. But first we have to—  
  
[ _jump cuts between one to two second clips of John scrambling the eggs, putting the bread in the toaster, frying bacon (and [BLEEP] when some of the grease bubbles up and hits his arm), dropping the waffle on the floor, dusting off the waffle, putting the waffle in the toaster, putting some of the maple syrup in a medicine cup, opening the can of baked beans, and loudly sipping the tea off camera; jump cut again to the fully-assembled breakfast on a platter fit for a Christmas ham_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** _TA-DAAA!_ There it is. My kitchen smells like a hotel lobby at nine in the morning, even though it’s— [ _camera quickly turns to the kitchen window, showing that it’s pitch black outside_ ] –definitely not morning! But that’s cool. Time’s a myth, which is not a smart thing to say to your boss when you work at Costa and you’re two hours late for your shift.  
  
[ _cut to John assembling the grinder onto the mixer_ ]  
  
 **MARY ANN:** [ _distantly_ ] Why’s it smell like breakfast?  
  
 **JOHN:** Because it— [ _no sound; presumably he’s gesturing to the breakfast platter_ ]  
  
 **MARY ANN:** Wh— _Oh._ Is it for your weird vlog thing?  
  
 **JOHN:** Excusez-moi, dearest sister. I’m a video artiste, thanks.  
  
 **MARY ANN:** Mhmm. [ _her hand appears just long enough to snag some bacon off the platter_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** [ _scandalised noises_ ]  
  
[ _cut to John turning on the mixer with the handle of the tea mug; jump cut to him starting to shove the eggs into the grinder, where they come out the other end like deflated yellow pipe cleaners, followed by the bacon which comes out disturbingly brown, and then the toast to similar results_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Actually, all this bread might work to our advantage here. It’ll balance out all the wet stuff. Soak it up like a little bread sponge.  
  
[ _he pushes in the waffle, which may be the first time in recorded history that people have seen something best described as ‘waffle tendrils’; next the maple syrup which gets sucked through the machine in about a second; then the baked beans_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** _That_ is an idea right there. _Bean_ sausage. I’m patenting it.  
  
[ _finally, he dumps some of the tea into the grinder, and it immediately trickles out the other end_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** For those following along at home, that’s Irish Breakfast tea. Very critical to the sausage-making process. Accept nothing less.  
  
[ _the result is a multi-layered conglomeration of pulverised food that recalls geological strata; John mushes it with a spoon for good measure_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** I’m really tempted to try it just like this, but I want to surprise myself. More importantly, I want to surprise someone else.  
  
[ _cut to him tossing BIGG HOGG® casing onto the countertop with a wet ‘splat’; he then attaches the sausage stuffing attachment before pushing the casing onto the nozzle_ _]  
  
_ **JOHN:** I can’t make any more jokes about this. There’s only so much I can say. _  
  
[_ _John turns on the mixer and gives a thumbs up_ _]  
  
_ **JOHN:** Still don’t have a trademark phrase here, so we’re going to go with Betsy’s for now. Say it with me: ‘S-O-S-I-G!’ _  
  
[_ _cut to John pushing the sedimentary breakfast paste into the mixer; it begins to fill the casing, creating an extremely long sausage; John twists it to create six separate links_ _]  
  
_ **JOHN:** Yes! I can feed my whole family with this! I knew it was genius.  
  
[ _flash cut to John putting oil in a frying pan; there is a blurry piece of paper on the back of the stove, arranged like a tiny plaque, reading ‘RIP EGGCARUS’; he swirls the oil around until it begins to sizzle; cut to him using a toothpick to poke holes in the sausage links; cut to him tossing the sausages into the pan_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** [ _singing_ ] – _couldn’t do us any harm! Ohh a drop of Nelson’s blood couldn’t do us any harm! And we all! Hang! On! Be! Hind! And we’ll ROLLL THE OOOOL’ CHARIOT ALONG—_  
  
[ _cut to the sausages sizzling away, getting a surprisingly good sear on one side_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Where do you even get blood to make black and white pudding, anyway? Do you just roll up to the store and ask them where they keep the jars of blood? Next to the pasta sauce? Does it come in bags?  
  
[ _cut to all (!) the sausages, intact, sitting on a plate_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Not a single burst boy here! This is a channel first! We have six delicious breakfast sausages, made to impress family and friends with innovation and resourcefulness! Of course, your noble host will go first.  
  
[ _he puts the sausage on a piece of toast, wrapping it and sending breadcrumbs across the counter_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** This actually does look promising. They cooked well, so— [ _immediate mouth crunch, followed by a thoughtful but guttural sound, like a happy cough_ ]  
  
[ _cut to the half-eaten sausage on the counter; John can be heard sipping his tea_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** You know what? That wasn’t the worst! Kind of on the dry side, and it could have actually done without the eggs, but— [ _sips tea, clears throat_ ] Like, the maple syrup, bacon, and beans worked together pretty well! That’s a good omen for the bean sausage! I’m gonna give this a three out of five, with room for improvement!  
  
[ _cut to a zoomed in still image of Eggcarus’ smiling face and the flute bit from Titanic playing in the background; three cheery sausages appear in front of two weeping sausages, and then an impact 3/5_ ]  
  
[ _outtake: the camera is focused on the KitchenAid mixer, with a suspicious box topped with a silver and blue bow behind it_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Bring him one of these.  
  
 **TOM:** One of what? [ _pause_ ] Do I want to ask?  
  
 **JOHN:** No. Surprise him!  
  
 **TOM:** What’s in it?  
  
 **JOHN:** Surprises!  
  
[ _inaudible_ ]  
  
 **JOHN:** Okay, spoilsport. But can I keep one of these?  
  
 **TOM:** I mean, sure? They turned out good— Wait. Are you going to make a—  
  
[ _pause; you can pretty much hear John’s expression_ ]  
  
 **TOM:** There is so much wrong with you.

🌭 🌭 🌭

 **i am god’s mistake** @jartnell  
  
HOLY SHIT!! Look at what @ggoreart made!  
[ _image desc.: a cartoonish dapper-looking hot dog wearing a beanie and sunglasses above bright blue lettering reading **TGMS**_ ]  
  
|  
  
 **i am god’s mistake** @jartnell  
  
I have a logo! I am someone! My BRAND!  
  
|  
  
 **Graham** **🌠** @ggoreart  
  
@jartnell Joyfully made, sir! I really had to decide between that and something that said SOSIG.  
  
|  
  
 **🧚** **betsaaaaay** **🧚** @claireshellportal  
  
@jartnell @ggoreart are you fucking KIDDING ME?? we were ROBBED.  
  
|  
  
 **Graham** **🌠** @ggoreart  
  
@jartnell @claireshellportal Potential t-shirt design maybe!  
  
|  
  
 **🧚** **betsaaaaay** **🧚** @claireshellportal  
  
@jartnell @ggoreart YISSSSSSS

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://radiojamming.tumblr.com)
> 
> please feel free to rec more sausage ingredients for future 'episodes'


End file.
